We don’t, on the whole, handle emotions well. And by ‘we’, I’m afraid I mean pretty much everyone. I wouldn’t normally be so bold, preferring to critique just myself or a small group of like-minded individuals, but I’m afraid it’s essentially endemic to today’s society. Sure, some of us are better at it than others, but on the whole, we suck at it. More often than not we either meet others’ feelings with our own, often encouraging the situation to escalate without a second of deeper enquiry, or more likely, we freeze, confronted with such confounding behaviour, immobilised in the moment as we struggle for words, maybe even pretending we haven’t noticed, or struggling awkwardly to change the subject.
You’re probably also expecting me to encourage a little understanding and compassion at this point, and frankly, that’s pretty much always a good response, but in all honesty, there’s rather a lot at stake here, so I find myself with no option but to encourage us all to fess up for this, myself included, adopt a little humility, and then decide what we’re going to do about it. Why all the fuss (if you’ll excuse the irony)? Well, we’ve got quite a lot to lose, or speaking more optimistically, rather a lot to gain, if we can just get a little better at ‘welcoming the release of emotions’, which is the guidance of the Time to Think community with their component of ‘Feelings’. What exactly have we got to lose? Well, our lives for a start. As an increasing number of studies continue to suggest, our inability to express and enable others to express emotions, is literally taking years off our life expectancy. It’s long been held that the suppression of emotions is bad for us, mentally and physically, but now we are starting to prove it.
we’ve got...rather a lot to gain, if we can just get a little better at ‘welcoming the release of emotions’
But, if an untimely death isn’t discouraging enough, what about success? An increasing number of studies continue to demonstrate the correlation between emotional intelligence (EQ) and success in work, life and leadership. It shouldn’t really be of any great surprise, since EQ is in essence, ‘People Skills’ by another name, and I’m afraid that, even if we want to, we can’t really get away from other people, and the language around leadership continues to shift in the direction of interpersonal relations, vulnerability and emotional intelligence. In short, successful leaders create a feeling of safety and openness, such that their team become increasingly open, honest and engaged, both with each other and with the task at hand.
For the first time however, I feel the need to shift away from the component exactly as written. As much as I appreciate brevity, I feel the need to make a fairly critical addition, and here’s why. A significant aspect of emotions is that they cover a huge part of what’s not being said, but what’s not being said - the emotional data - still needs to be understood. If all the data was encapsulated in the words people offered, the world would be a whole lot simpler, but it’s not. More often than not, it’s what people aren’t saying that really matters, and alter the entire message. We all have complex biases and creative methods of handling the world around us, much of which is unconscious to us. We say things and make decisions, but a huge heap of the data involved is invisible to us, and much of it lies within the realms of feelings.
As a relational coach, we’re encouraged to lean into this area; to notice feelings, both our own and the coachee’s. Not just to generate outbursts of shouting or crying, as cathartic as both may be, but rather to inquire deeper; why is this feeling present and what can it tell us about ourselves and each other. In other words, the release of emotions is just one half of EQ. A person with high EQ isn’t simply good at expressing, or releasing their emotions, but rather someone who then seeks to understand them. Yes, that’s right. What I’m saying is, not only do you have to get comfortable with feelings being expressed around you and expressing your own. You’ve got to talk about them too! No doubt the assumption is being made that, by welcoming the release of emotions, we’ll then go on to talk about them, but I fear that’s an assumption too far, and possibly even the more significant issue at hand. It is only in the joint reflection of our emotions that we are able to uncover more of what’s going on, think better together, and as a result, make better decisions.
not only do you have to get comfortable with feelings being expressed around you and expressing your own. You’ve got to talk about them too!
Sadly, I can hear the heckling already. Some will paint a picture of an office filled with people crying, shouting and talking about their emotions for hours, and not actually getting anything done. If that’s your response, I’d like to refer you back to all the other ‘Time to Think’ articles I’ve written. Our best decisions and actions are almost always preceded by our best thinking, and good thinking requires time. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again; we have to slow down in order to go faster. Feelings and thinking are so interwoven that to allow one and not the other is invariably to diminish both. If you want to think well, and help others think well too, then you have to attend to feelings.
For those who are a little more receptive, let’s talk a little about how we might improve in this regard. We’ll start with better ways to respond when faced with peoples’ feelings, rather than awkwardly looking at the ground. More often than not, through insecurities we all have, we often find ourselves assuming that another person’s feelings has something to do with us. That’s not us being self-absorbed. It’s just human. More than likely however, it’s not about us, and all it takes is a little waiting time to confirm this is the case. Hang around if you can, show you care, and listen. Eventually, as they regulate their feelings, even if that takes a tissue or two, they’ll be sure to share what’s on their mind. We’ll come on to the component of ‘Place’ soon enough, and talk about creating an environment that screams ‘you matter’, but for now, rather than words, simply assume the position that shows you care, without opening your mouth, and invariably, when they’re ready, they’ll share, and you can reflect more deeply together.
Of course, some people aren’t comfortable expressing their feelings in the first place, so there’s not much to open the conversation. For others, having lived a life that has conditioned them to suppress their own emotions, they may actually not be aware of their emotions in the first place. Not because they are without feeling, but because they’ve spent a lifetime creating methods to suppress their emotions in the moment, and they’ve become experts at doing so. Esteemed Humanistic Psychologist, Carl Rogers, wrote about ‘An unappreciated way of being’. He was of course referring to empathy, describing it as ‘one of the most delicate ways we have of using ourselves’. Now, whilst I appreciate that some are naturally wired to be more empathic than others, we can all influence change and development here. It just takes time, and I suppose, an inclination to care.
If you’re keen to dial up your empathy, you could do a lot worse than start by looking inward. One of my shorter articles, 'On Curiosity’, is worthy of a read I think. Managing to remain curious and withhold judgement of others puts us in good stead when we attempt to better understand others’ feelings. Pointing our curiosity inwards offers us some great clues to understanding what’s going on. How are we feeling in the moment? As they’re talking, or indeed not talking, how do we find ourselves? In somewhat crass coaching terms, some of what we feel will be ‘our shit’ (feeling awkward that someone is being ‘all emotional’ in front of us), and some of it will be ‘their shit’ impacting us. Taking a moment to be sensitive to what we’re feeling, and then simply asking, ‘I’ve noticed that, as you talk about that, I find myself feeling…’ can lead to some phenomenally rich conversations. It might be ‘your shit’. It might be nothing. But you’re risking very little in asking, and it shows them you care.
Pointing our curiosity inwards offers us some great clues to understanding what’s going on. How are we feeling in the moment?
Now to them. Since so little of our communication has anything to do with words, take a moment to tap into peoples’ feelings by observing them. Rarely will people highlight and then express clearly how they feel, so we have to intuit by observing them closely, reserving judgement and then asking. Are they moving away from you, or are they leaning in? Are their hands twitching? Are their toes tapping, as if with excitement? The list is endless, and though the data is incredibly subtle, subjective and vague, it’s enough to allow us to notice, and then share our noticing, encouraging a conversation which can only ever offer more insight into how they’re feeling.
Finally, do give a thought to words, both yours and theirs. I know we all try to say what we mean, but sometimes we don’t, and given the chance to reflect, the subtle differences in the words we choose can offer huge insight into how we’re feeling. Saying that we sense someone might be angry about something, for example, but asking whether ‘angry’ is the right word, almost always leads to a rich and cathartic conversation. They may well retort, “I’m not angry. I’m just frustrated.” Great. All good stuff and a nice segway into understanding how they really feel.
For those of you still holding your nose up at the hippy notion of welcoming the release of emotions, I offer this. If you are so fortunate as to have someone express their emotions in front of you, I propose you should feel absolutely honoured (and perhaps even say so, and share your feelings!) That they’ve chosen to do so suggests that they trust you. It means they feel psychologically safe enough to express themselves in front of you. Before you feel anything else, you might want to permit yourself to feel honoured. You almost certainly played a part in creating a space where they felt able to share. Whatever you did that enabled someone to feel that way - I’d humbly suggest you keep doing it.
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